Of Worms, Dogs and Men

Have I ever mentioned that a number of people in and associated with the lab I'm in have a quirky sense of humour? ...well, now I have.
I will assign the people mentioned in this entry (and henceforth any entry after this)aliases.

Of Worms
Hong: so are we the only Australian group in Coeliac Disease research?
#2: well, there's the worm people up in Queensland that you work with, no?
$: yes. This gastroenterologist infected himself with hookworm when he went to PNG. He just put one on his arm and let it burrow through...
Hong: ...
$: he had them for years. And he purified the his faeces and infected other people. So he's got a research group on worms going now.
Hong: ... WHAT?
#2: and the Americans really couldn't cope with it! When we told them at the conference, they were like,"oh my god!!!" They were so horrified they really couldn't cope with the idea. They were asking,"how on earth did he get ethics?"
Hong: and how on earth DID he get ethics?
$: well, all it takes is someone you know on the committee. Easy.

Of Dogs
Russian: once, after one particular long day at the lab, I got home. And instead of my dog jumping up and down and wagging his tail like he normally does, he was literally crawling to me! At once I freaked out and picked him up. Was he sick? Maybe there was some spine problem? I was just about to ring the vet when I walked into the kitchen and saw this massive amount of poo on the floor. I was so relieved! If that's the only thing wrong then it's easily cured!
Everyone: XD
Russian: then I remembered my high school friend in Russia. He went home one day and said to his parents,'I've got a brain tumour.' And his parents really freaked out. Then he said,'no, actually I don't have a brain tumour. I just wanted to tell you I failed my exams.'
Everyone: ...

Of Men
$: Made a speedy recovery, did you?
#1 (recently underwent major surgery; mind you, he's a consultant himself): Well, I literally conned my way out of the hospital. I said to the nurses on Shift 1,'They told me I'm going home tomorrow.' They said,'ah really, that's great!' then I said to nurses on Shift 2,'I'm going home tomorrow!' They said,'congrats, you're doing well!' then the nurses on Shift 3 said to me,'are you going home today?' and I said,'yes, that's what they've told me.' Then my surgeon came,'so, your discharge is scheduled on Friday.' I said,'no it isn't. They told me I'll be discharged today!' and he said,'oh, really? okay.' I conned my way out by creating a rumour!
Everyone: XP
#2: And how was it at home?
#1: It was great! I did my own heparin injections for 5 days. You know, jabbing at the tummy. My wife wasn't very impressed. 'What're you doing?' she asked. 'Just shooting up some drugs.' I said.
$: Ha. They did give you some real stuff though, didn't they?
#1: Yes. Oxycortin. Nasty stuff. I hate narcotics. I've started doing some email reviews for the past month... er... *grimace* very blunt, not good...
$: XD. Wow, so you were showing your true self, then.
#1: Well, I wouldn't say that. Because normally I'm on alcohol anyway.